Hi, it’s me again. Wasting my time and screaming into the ether. But if I’m being perfectly honest with you, I am not okay. And when I am not okay, I write. It’s how I purge (or try to) all the things that make me not okay. And since nothing else seems to be working, here we are.

How are we all continuing with life as usual? It’s something I ask myself every day. I look around at other people and think, “Oh! Look at them! They seem to be perfectly fine! Totally unaffected by our teetering on the precipice of the apocalypse! How nice for them!” But then I realize… I look exactly like them. Because I too am moving about the world with dead eyes and a perpetual smile on my face. I go to work, taxi my kids around, organize bake sales, try to keep up with my house, go to basketball games, grocery shop, cook dinner and all the other mundane, daily things that require my attention, while my insides are in a constant, unrelenting state of turmoil.

One of the thoughts constantly flitting through my mind is, “This can’t possibly be what the republicans and all the other mother fuckers that voted for this orange sack of shit wanted, can it?” Even after all these years. Even after I have heard them incessantly proclaim that yes, this is, in fact, EXACTLY what they wanted. Even after watching them tie themselves in knots trying to defend the indefensible. Even after watching a collective psychosis take over my country, my state, my neighborhood, my family, my friends. Even after all that, I still cannot wrap my head around the cruelty. I cannot reconcile the people I know and love and grew up with supporting the utter dearth of humanity that comes with cosigning a Donald Trump agenda.

See here’s the thing- I agree that this country is fucked. I agree that the country is fucked because of our government. Yes, both democrats and republicans alike. I do not agree, however, that the country, or “the system,” is broken. It is working exactly as intended. This country, built on the backs of Enslaved People, has been tainted from its birth. The colonists may have come here seeking religious freedom, but all they really did was spread their violence to the shores of an already established nation. Their instincts were to pillage and kill, and to do their level best to establish a hierarchy. Since her inception in 1776, American leaders have valued profit and power over everything. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. There are very few moments in America’s 249 year history we can point to where the will and needs of the people were truly prioritized.

It is in our leaders’ best interest to keep us dumb, apathetic, and sick. A well-fed, well-educated, engaged populace have the time and the wherewithal to recognize when they’re being fucked over. An uninterested, unhealthy populace only knows fight or flight. They are in a constant state of survival mode, and therefore cannot focus on the actual villains in this horror story. They are angry and exhausted and easily manipulated and believe it when the propaganda machine tells them that their neighbors are the enemy and not the billionaires and politicians.

So my driving question right now is: Conservatives– what do you actually stand FOR? I know what you stand AGAINST, you have made that abundantly clear. IE: Feeding the hungry, acknowledging the existence of queer and trans people and treating them with any sort of compassion or dignity, people of any race or ethnicity that isn’t Western European or white excelling at anything or being successful in any way, educating ALL children equitably and appropriately, health care, taking care of the elderly, caring for children the minute they leave the womb, small businesses and small farms, immigrants, science, tax cuts for the people who actually need it, women; honestly the list could go on and on. Because conservatives are against humanity, and I am sick of pussyfooting around the truth of that.

So, I ask you– what is the end game here? Will you find happiness once all the people you hate are punished? Will you find happiness when the industries that are propped up and exist entirely because of immigrants (who, by the way, contribute ~$100 billion in taxes each year though they are never entitled to the programs they help to fund) fester and shrivel up? Will you find happiness when the queer and trans people are back in hiding, their marriages annulled? Will you find happiness when the blue haired liberal women are back in the kitchen where they belong? Will you find happiness when women no longer have the vote and vacate the workplace? Will you find happiness when Black and Brown people are put back in their rightful place, serving the white man? What is it going to take to make you shitstains happy so that you can stop inflicting your misery on the rest of us? How can any single one of you think that inflicting that misery on others and watching your neighbors suffer would fix your fucking problems? Pain begets pain. Misery begets misery. Suffering begets suffering. And it simply does not matter whether or not you agree with all those things I just listed, because you VOTED for them.

The greatest dupe of all was you allowing Trump and his mobsters to convince you assholes that they gave a shit about you or your wellbeing. Because I super duper hate to break it to you, but you are going to be suffering right along with us. Conservatives also use all of the entitlement programs they gleefully voted for Trump to suspend. Conservatives also benefit from a robust economy that is due, in large part, to the contributions of immigrants. Conservatives also send their kids to public school and take advantage of IEPs and the like. Conservatives also generally aren’t part of the 1%, because only a literal handful of people are, and will also be taken out at the knees by Trump’s proposed tax cuts for the wealthiest among us while the middle, lower, and poverty classes pay the balance. I am not sure who told you that you were exempt from this fuckery, but I am hear to tell you that you were misinformed.

Do I agree that government spending should be audited? I do, actually! Most government agencies actually fail their audits year after year and nothing is ever done about. Everyone keeps their jobs and the operation continues with business as usual. Government spending should absolutely be audited. By an auditor. One that is definitely not Elon Musk. Elon Musk has done nothing of note in his life except for be rich. He is a bloviating flesh bag who has bought his way to relevancy while decimating everything and everyone one that challenges him. He’s such a loser that he bought Tesla then sued the actual founders and innovators so that he could legally to pretend to be a founder, too. Oh, and also he’s a nazi! So, there’s that. He’s straight up not a good guy. Why you all are so vehemently committed to the mental gymnastics that are required to defend him and his behavior is a level of energy I cannot fathom expending for a white male Apartheid prince who uses his toddler son as a human shield. Wild, embarrassing behavior tbh.

So what is it? Is it family values? Cuz your great white saviors have nearly twenty kids between them from like seven different women. Is it harkening back to the ’50s when your Grammy stayed home and took care of the house and your PeePaw while he went off to work? Spoiler alert: your Grammy wasn’t happy, she was literally stuck. She was not able to own property, have a bank account, get a job or anything else that her husband did not want her to do. Abusive marriage? Too bad. Did you know that marital rape was legal in all 50 states up until around the ’70s? Sure was! Did you also know that, until almost the 1950s, a husband or father could have his wife or daughters institutionalized in asylums that would give Ryan Murphy nightmares just because she wouldn’t fall in line? It’s also been speculated that “hysterical women” were forced to undergo masturbation therapy, where male doctors would forcefully stimulate a woman’s genitals to try and make her sane again.

Just say you’re a resegregationist who hates women, Black, Brown, queer, trans, and disabled people and let’s fucking move on. I am so sick of the song and dance. If this is what you wanted, well then congratulations. But stop hiding behind decorum and pretending like you can somehow disassociate from the consequences of your actions. Stop acting like us not wanting to be around you is worse than what you’ve inflicted on the rest of us. Stop acting like you voted this way because you stand for something, and admit to yourself and to the rest of us that you simply preferred to watch the world burn rather than share a piece of the pie with people whose lifestyle you do not condone. Tell us you wanted to see the suffering of your neighbors but pretended it was about the price of eggs. Tell us it was about prioritizing “America first” without acknowledging that we do not actually have a scarcity problem in this country and could easily care for every one of our citizens, were it not for unfettered capitalism. If you’re going to be an abhorrent, nazi sympathizing, woman-hating, children-hating resegregationist, at least have the decency do it with your whole chest you fucking fascist.